Technique Only: Be Kind to your Past Self

The transition from active duty to civilian life is hard. It's easy to start second-guessing your life choices when things get hard. You'll need to remember why you made them in the first place.

In the course of my retirement, I've considered lots of different options. The best and worst part of the transition process is how much choice one suddenly has, and a lot of the work the In the course of my retirement, I've considered lots of different options. The best and worst part of the transition process is how much choice one suddenly has, and a lot of the work the one does is trying to figure out which of many possible paths is the best. For me, one of those possible pathways was a return to school to do an full-time MBA program. As a geo-bachelor single dad, an academic program using some of my GI Bill benefits would offer a lot of flexibility to manage the household and simultaneously advance my goals. As someone trying to transition from a specialized military field to general technology, it seemed like a good way to build a new network and develop the required skills and background.

So I put together an application for a highly selective MBA program near where I live. And I signed up to take the GMAT, which I had previously taken and done fine on. I wasn't worried, and even if the test had changed a bit from the one I took six years ago the material seemed familiar enough that I wasn't overly worried about it.

And then I completely bombed the math portion. Not in an "aw-shucks-I-could-have-done-better" way, but in the "bottom 3 percentile" way that completely wrecked my confidence. Standardized tests have usually been my friends. As someone in the latter half of his 40s and worried about the age discrimination factor already, I earnestly wondered whether I was experiencing cognitive decline or the first throes of early-onset dementia.

As my post-retirement interests have increasingly pointed me towards technology, I've been thinking a lot about the choice I made 27 years ago not to study computer science. I had a 4-year ROTC scholarship to study computer science at Harvard, but opted instead to go the USAF Academy and study English. At the time, I had done some beginner coding and liked it. I was interested in computers. But I didn’t like being locked into it before I had even started school. Looking back on it now, it sure would be useful to have that background. It was a grim moment, thinking back on a momentous choice and imagining where I might be if I had made certain decisions when I was still good enough to get into the really good programs.

I played LCD Soundsystem’s “I’m losing my edge” the whole long drive home. I moped for a couple of days.

But then I bounced back. I registered for the GRE and took it with no preparation and found that it was mostly similar in terms of content and format to what I remember from 20-odd years ago, and did just fine. I was able to turn in my application. My math score was fine, right in the fat part of the curve. My verbal score was strong enough in the 99th percentile to probably offset that little bit of weakness. And in pondering that little consolation is when I remembered exactly why I had been interested in English instead of engineering. Because in things relating to reading, writing, and language I was really good, while in math and science I was typically doing just okay.

I wasn’t shirking back in the day; I was playing to my strengths. And, of course, that led to all sorts of opportunities I wouldn’t have had by heading in that other direction. The only thing I can be sure of is that it wouldn’t have turned out like I imagine it would, because that’s just how life works. It could have been cooler than I can imagine, or I could have screwed everything up and ended up drunk in a ditch. You just don’t know. Can never know.

And so, as technique and not procedure, try a little kindness with your past self. The anxiety that comes with wishing about the past only makes it harder to try and see where the things you actually did might be pointing you.ying to figure out which of many possible paths is the best. For me, one of those possible pathways was a return to school to do an full-time MBA program. As a geo-bachelor single dad, an academic program using some of my GI Bill benefits would offer a lot of flexibility to manage the household and simultaneously advance my goals. As someone trying to transition from a specialized military field to general technology, it seemed like a good way to build a new network and develop the required skills and background.

So I put together an application for a highly selective MBA program near where I live. And I signed up to take the GMAT, which I had previously taken and done fine on. I wasn't worried, and even if the test had changed a bit from the one I took six years ago the material seemed familiar enough that I wasn't overly worried about it.

And then I completely bombed the math portion. Not in an "aw-shucks-I-could-have-done-better" way, but in the "bottom 3 percentile" way that completely wrecked my confidence. Standardized tests have usually been my friends. As someone in the latter half of his 40s and worried about the age discrimination factor already, I earnestly wondered whether I was experiencing cognitive decline or the first throes of early-onset dementia.

As my post-retirement interests have increasingly pointed me towards technology, I've been thinking a lot about the choice I made 27 years ago not to study computer science. I had a 4-year ROTC scholarship to study computer science at Harvard, but opted instead to go the USAF Academy and study English. At the time, I had done some beginner coding and liked it. I was interested in computers. But I didn’t like being locked into it before I had even started school. Looking back on it now, it sure would be useful to have that background. It was a grim moment, thinking back on a momentous choice and imagining where I might be if I had made certain decisions when I was still good enough to get into the really good programs.

I played LCD Soundsystem’s “I’m losing my edge” the whole long drive home. I moped for a couple of days.

But then I bounced back. I registered for the GRE and took it with no preparation and found that it was mostly similar in terms of content and format to what I remember from 20-odd years ago, and did just fine. I was able to turn in my application. My math score was fine, right in the fat part of the curve. My verbal score was strong enough in the 99th percentile to probably offset that little bit of weakness. And in pondering that little consolation is when I remembered exactly why I had been interested in English instead of engineering. Because in things relating to reading, writing, and language I was really good, while in math and science I was typically doing just okay. 

I wasn’t shirking back in the day; I was playing to my strengths. And, of course, that led to all sorts of opportunities I wouldn’t have had by heading in that other direction. The only thing I can be sure of is that it wouldn’t have turned out like I imagine it would, because that’s just how life works. It could have been cooler than I can imagine, or I could have screwed everything up and ended up drunk in a ditch. You just don’t know. Can never know.

And so, as technique and not procedure, try a little kindness with your past self. The anxiety that comes with wishing about the past only makes it harder to try and see where the things you actually did might be pointing you.